Blaqbarby

So I wasn’t drunk. I mean, if taking the last sip of my girlfriend’s “cosmo”, an hour and a half before I left the club to go home, constitutes drunk driving then sure…but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t. Well actually, I wasn’t quite so sure when I saw those menacing colorful lights, glaring in my rear-view mirror.

It occurred to me that my naturally swervish driving might not seem so natural to the highway patrol officer behind me, as I pulled off a narrow back road exit.  He came up to my car and immediately asked what I had been drinking.  I told him I had a “cosmo” and he commenced to interrogate me.  He left my car side and two other officers came up to my car individually and asked the exact same series of questions.  I don’t know what it was, but something about them and their repetitive questions made me feel drunk…even though I knew I wasn’t.  But moreso than the feeling of un-intoxicated inebriation, was the feeling of fear.

So I have two officers in my family, meaning I shouldn’t have 5-0 phobia, but that night I had it bad.  I felt how completely vulnerable I was as a young woman, alone, on a back road, in a short dress, at 2 in the morning, surrounded by three armed policeman.  For some reason the words “to protect and serve” written across the side of their three separate cars that created a vehicular barrier around mine, seemed to lack the comfort they intended.  Especially when my keys were taken and I was asked to “step out of the car please”.

Either I am completely undeserving of my Berkeley degree, or the drunk driving tests they put you through are a bunch of misleading mind games designed to trip you up.  Okay, so the whole “watch my finger without moving your head” trick…I thought I was doing pretty well until his finger moved far beyond my peripheral.  What do you do? Stop trying to look? Slightly turn your head enough to see?  Who knows.

And who said it’s an appropriate test for a woman in stiletto heels to lift one leg straight out in front of her with her head back for 30 seconds.  I mean Come On!  He suggested I remove my shoes.  Excuse me?  Trying to balance under pressure was worth keeping the shear disgust of sludgy asphalt far away from my toes.  Needless to say, I stumbled over, like anyone in heels on uneven pavement (or any drunk) would do.  Not good. But, let’s not forget my extreme nervousness and fear for my safety while all this is taking place in 40 degree weather.  My knees trembling must have signaled to the officers that I was ready for multiple counting games. 

“Using your index finger and thumb, count 1-2-3-4-4-3-2-1, do this 5 times with 10 second breaksin between each set”, Officer #1 instructed.  Huh?  My mind is racing and my goosebumps are trembling…am I supposed to remember this?  Apparently I was…according to the incriminating look on Officer #2’s face after I obliviously began my 6th counting set.  Oh well, I figured.  They’ll take me in, run some tests, and find out that they wasted their time.  But to my surprise, I would pass the next and final test they administered with flying colors, and subsequently be set free.  An hour later, this test would be the first and only test that would actually tell them what they wanted to know. 

The “Breathalyzer” tells officers how much alcohol is in a person’s system.  In my case…none!  After giving me the good news Officer #3 approached me puzzled.  He was concerned by how I got an A+ on the alcohol-free final, but was a failing student on all the previous exams.  But soon, I was able to return to the open road and my piece of mind, after being scolded about eating properly and getting more sleep…factors he believed must have lead to my lack of hand-eye-stiletto coordination. 

So will I ever drink and drive…NO.  According to my DUI tests, I can barely breathe and drive!

I think it is safe to say that if you are a living breathing human being, then you have definitely heard of the two most popular social hotspots on the web. Yes, I am talking about good ol’ Myspace and our new friend Facebook. Though they both seem to serve the same 3 purposes; 1-keeping people in cubicles awake, entertained, and off the job, 2-keeping kids up to date on eachothers’ internet drama, and 3-supplying the perfect romantic ambiance for love at first chat; these sites actually differ greatly. In my opinion Myspace and Facebook are as opposite as night and day. Funny, the terms night and day actually characterize the two sights pretty well…

Myspace seems like a dark world of strangers clumped together in no particular order. It has millions of users and tons of applications, but the way in which this all appears on your computer screen is quite cluttered and irritating if you ask me. From the moment you sign on to Myspace there are about 9 to 10 ads that consume your computer screen. “Go see this Movie”, “Sexy Shirts for Sale”, “Want the Perfect Horoscope” all invade your space as you try to check up on your messages, friends, and most importantly your profile.

And speaking of profiles…okay fine, it’s MY space so I can do whatever I want to my page…this is great for some people. But I don’t think everyone deserves this right! Yeah sure, I’d like to see your page and what you have to say…but do I have to sit through the 10 minutes it takes for your profile to load because you have 150 pictures with people that no one knows, a dizzyingly obnoxious background of your name falling every 2 seconds in little letter rain drops, 50 random top friends that have not bestowed you with the same honor, and worst of all the most annoying song selection in the world that fittingly suits the overall annoying vibe of your page? UGHH!! But, I digress. So yes, if clutter, creeps, and chaos are what you’re looking for in a social internetwork…then Myspace is the Queen of the Night.

As a slightly newer large scale website, Facebook is the light I found after emerging from the Myspace tunnel. The entire website is bright, simple, and easy to navigate. The advertisements are reduced to 2-3in. almost unnoticeable boxes on the border of the page and rarely do they even move let alone encapsulate and hold hostage your entire screen for 60 secs. No, Facebook is all about the users comfort. The sight utilizes great security features, and best of all, it truly functions as a network.

On Myspace random strangers message me and invade my profile wall at their own discretion, often plowing through my security settings. On facebook I can choose to only interact with the people within my specific networks. For example, Oakland High School, UC Berkeley, San Francisco, CA, and Wells Fargo may be your 4 networks. This means that, if you want, only people within these networks can contact you, making it much easier to weed out the undesirables prowling the web. Call me bourgeoisie, but I like the fact that Facebook started as a site to connect and entertain college students, and not just any and everybody. The entire feel of the website has an air of academia…you know, like it’s for people who know how to put a sentence together.

But as smart as Facebook is, it does not lack in its fun and senseless social attractions. From the moment you sign on to Facebook you see a list of the most recent activities of your friends and others in your network. ‘Who changed their picture’, ‘Who broke up with who’, and my personal favorite, ‘Who changed their status’. Now, for all the Facebook virgins out there, your status is the one sentence personal statement that lives at the top of your page for however long until you wish to change it. “Joe is thinking about what happened last night, is it really over?” might be at the top of your friends page one minute…and then 5 mins. later you’ll get an update saying, “Joe is over it, she wasn’t worth my time”. As weird as it may sound, I think it’s fun (in a nosy invasive kind of way) to be constantly updated on the personal status of the people in your network, rather than having to look at the superficial Myspace headlines like “Pimping is Easy”.

And Facebook profile pages are the best. They remind me of those acne free commercials, you know…”Clean, Clear, and Under Control”. No, but seriously, even though you can rotate the location of your wall, pictures, applications,etc. Facebook has a standard background and style that makes everyone’s page seem neat and uniform. You do not have to strain to read someones font or search for the mute button for the music on their page. But as simple as the profiles are to view and navigate, they are not at all boring. Just try the “Honesty Box” on for size.

The “Honesty Box” is a Facebook application that is one of my very own guilty pleasures. This box lives on your profile page and your friends can write anything they want in it. All you are able to see is their note and the sex of the person who sent it. This is a perfect way to tell secrets without revealing your identity, and also a way to see that you have some “friends” that might need to be reclassified as enemies.

But the best part of Facebook has to be the pictures. I swear I have almost 1000 pictures on my profile, all viewable at the click of a button in chronological order. A little narcissistic you say? Why of course, but aren’t we all? Even better, the coolest thing about the pictures is the “tag” feature.

Okay, so you know that one concert that you went to, and you got to go backstage and take a picture with that one celebrity, but you didn’t have space on your camera, so your friend snapped the pic for you? Yeah, well now you will actually get to see that photo…you know, instead of waiting the 3-6 months it takes for friends to remember to email pictures to you. When any of your friends uploads a picture on Facebook to their albums they are able to “tag” you to it, adding it to your pictures automatically. I never knew how many pictures I ended up in until Facebook. Luckily you are able to untag the pics that are, let’s say, less than flattering.

But either way it goes, the photo capabilities of Facebook, along with all its other fabulous features, leaves Myspace…well…in the dark.